7 Unique Ways to Make Friends with an INTJ

At first glance, can you automatically determine a child’s personality type?

Writer Rebecca Fraser-Thill specializing in child development said,

Personality is the total of an individual’s emotional, attitudinal, and behavioral responses. It emerges in the truest sense only as adolescence approaches.

According to Fraser-Thill, these personality traits are apparent by ages 11 and 12.

I was 12 years old when I started standing up for myself and cultivating self-confidence.

I have remained the same from that point on, but my mode of selecting friends has changed.

As an INTJ personality type, my friendships have consistently developed organically. However, I became more cautious about even organic-based connections as I matured.

Maybe, life showed too much about the machinations of human nature. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

At a certain age, I lacked the willingness to meet new, close friends.

There wouldn’t be a visceral connection unless we had at least 25 years of friendship. As I have matured, the challenge is holding on to long-term friendships instead of developing new ones.

Life’s journey made me less open and trusting of new friendships, as if the switch that allowed me to be so open as a child had turned off.

Also, I learned that the bonds tied with friends I had developed over 25 years became loosened as we changed careers, locations, and interests.

There were no actual “break-ups,” just a cessation of emotional and psychological communications that once were frequent.

We would have a celebratory reunion if we ran into each other unexpectedly. At these times, the emotions were genuine, but neither of us would do the necessary follow-up after the superficial, “It has been too long…. We need to get together soon.”

Invariably, the response was, “Okay.”

But we never reunited.

make friends with an INTJ

So, how do you befriend INTJs when they have accumulated an assortment of life experiences in conjunction with their intuition?

No rules are written in stone, but initially, the other party must do the heavy lifting and the consistent cultivation, or no friendship emerges.

Here are seven suggestions for befriending an INTJ.

Assist in the INTJ’s goals and objectives

Many individuals collect people as a means of fulfilling their emotional needs. Perhaps they wrestle with abandonment issues developed as a child. Contrarily, INTJs don’t collect people. They are consistently conjuring up ideas and projects to satisfy their intellectual curiosity. As a result, a well-meaning individual can become friends with an INTJ by lending value to these projects. The assistance should be instrumental to the desired outcome. Overcoming the challenges of bringing an idea to fruition together begins to build on an INTJ’s trust.

Let friendships evolve organically, or it looks manufactured

INTJs are preternaturally hardwired for intellectualism and insightfulness. As a result, they can detect when a person is being untrustworthy. Whatever interest causes you to interact with an INTJ, nurture that interest out of mutual benefits. No one person can be all things in a friendship, so stay in the lane of mutual interests.

Align, but don’t attempt to change INTJs’ interests

Because INTJs are extremely curious, they are interested in anything that expands their horizons. I became hooked on sushi after a friend merely suggested that his favorite happy hour on Fridays was a place that had delicious sushi. I tagged along one Friday 20 years ago, and spicy tuna sushi is one of my favorite dishes.

Communicate with INTJs with essential conversations

Monotonous conversations are exhausting to INTJs because they are active listeners. Ambitious and focused INTJs are constantly working on projects. Even if they’re watching TV, the programming is educational and a part of ongoing research. It is critical to becoming in tune with an INTJ’s energy to gauge conversation lengths. Once you become labeled an entertaining person but waste time, INTJs will only engage with you when they want to be entertained with a “Pleasurable distraction.”

Become satisfied with a one-sided friendship

Many INTJs are working on goals and initiatives that they believe are groundbreaking. Consequently, you may need to reach out more to maintain the relationship. INTJs aren’t purely selfish as friends but busy accomplishing epic ventures in their world. Generally, the average person isn’t. Part of your interest in this friendship is the value you receive from unique ideas and ways to grow. Embrace the notion that you benefit from high-performing intellectuals. An INTJ’s world doesn’t require much companionship, and they are acutely aware of their contradictions. You may have to be a better friend to INTJs than they can be to you.

Develop a system for staying in contact with INTJs

Consistency is critical for many INTJs. If you have value-added conversations that an INTJ can look forward to, determine that you will call once a month at a specific time on a particular day. And be respectful of time restraints. If a half-hour is an agreed-upon length, stick with that time. Ambitious INTJs appreciate the structure and formality of a productive friendship. Don’t do anything that you can’t consistently maintain.

Engage in the Law of Reciprocity

Remember to give and take within the friendship to maintain your self-respect and the respect of INTJs. If you feel taken for granted or exploited, you will have bad experiences with INTJs. Enlightened INTJs are willing to give as they take, but you must adhere to your moral imperatives. Because many INTJs are strategic, they know the value you bring to the friendship, or you wouldn’t occupy the position. These INTJs see friendships as long-term investments for goal attainment. You will be dealt with based on those limitations if you are weak.

The INTJ personality is a self-serving machine. It feeds off new information, searching for problems to solve and goals to accomplish.

Friendships are a part of this process and are necessary for optimal results.

However, INTJs are willing to go it alone.

If you decide to befriend an INTJ, there is a baptism by fire because friendships are not taken lightly. It is a position of honor and respect.

With an INTJ, you get a trusted friend for life who will remain loyal if you don’t break the bond or betray the trust.

A trusted friend for life is the mark of an INTJ when trust is at a premium.

—Mary Hollinger


Fraser-Thill, R. (2020, Oct. 26). The age when a child’s true personality emerges. Very Well Family. Retrieved from: https://bit.ly/3PQdmwL.

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