How Introverts Can Say “No” to People Without Guilt

For introverts to control their fate, it is important for them to create a psychological, philosophical, and systematic approach to saying “no” to people without guilt.

In other words, “no” is part of an organized and efficient process for conducting one’s life.

However, the narcissistic self-interest of individuals would encourage you to feel remorseful of your choice to be a free agent that advocates for your best interests.

This manipulation is a major reason introverts find it difficult to say “no.”

McCullough (2019) said, “One reason we introverts may shy away from “no” is its perceived link to negativity. If saying yes to life means embracing it fully and with enthusiasm, doesn’t saying no make us drab, risk-averse, or just plain boring?” (para. 11).

We are socialized to evade saying “no.”

Professor Ni (2017) suggested, “Many people, both introverts and extroverts, are traditionally taught to avoid saying “no.” Some of us are told from a young age that we’re not supposed to say “no” to our parents, relatives, teachers, bosses, and others. There may be cultural, gender, social, religious, or institutional pressure to conform and please. Often there’s a fear of rejection, a desire to avoid confrontation, or guilt over hurting others’ feelings” (para. 2).

Systematic thinking helps us become more logical when making critical decisions.

“No” is instrumental for effective decision-making.

How Introverts Can Say

Decision-Making Criteria

You must first establish the conditions when saying “no” should be the standard.

Those conditions are:

  • The request does not serve your self-interest.
  • There is no joy or good feeling experienced through compliance.
  • Compliance would hurt or hinder your long-term ambitions and aspirations.

If we are the sum total of all our choices, then we should say “no” more often than we say “yes.” 

Eminent economist Dr. Thomas Sowell said that there are no perfect solutions in life, only trade-offs.

Each day, we are bombarded with individuals who act in their self-interest in ways that serve to circumvent our best interest.

As a result, all choices must endure a cost-benefit analysis.

According to Stobierski (2019), “A cost-benefit analysis is the process of comparing the projected or estimated costs and benefits (or opportunities) associated with a project decision to determine whether it makes sense from a business perspective” (para.3).

Although organizations utilize this process, it should also be used individually for decision-making.

Again, every decision has pros and cons, and the objective is for the benefits to outweigh the liabilities.

Additionally, there is an opportunity cost for all choices in life.

Hayes (2020) posited that an Opportunity Cost is, “…The potential benefits an individual, investor, or business misses out on when choosing one alternative over another. The idea of opportunity costs is a major concept in economics” (para. 1).

In any given situation, we are asked to make a decision where the decision will cost us the potential benefits of the other alternatives.

The power of “no” rests with establishing when “no” is part of a criteria, enlists a cost-benefit analysis, and accepts the opportunity cost involved.

The hardwiring of strategic thinking introverts makes it extremely difficult not to apply a systematic approach to decision-making.

The Anatomy of Asking

Essentially, all request fall into two categories: 1. Transactional, and 2. Philanthropic.

Transactional requests are generated requests where there is either a tangible or intangible exchange between the parties. In other words, based on the relationship, the person is asking for you to extend yourself to fulfill his or her self-interest.

Philanthropic requests are generated for personal or societal good. It’s often labeled a “Pay it forward” initiative.

The essential difference between the two is that there is an understanding that reciprocity exists within transactional requests. A similar request may in turn be asked sometime in the future with an expectation of compliance.

Whereas, with philanthropic requests, there is no expectation of any return other than the good feelings that go along with the act of given.

Yes, with stipulations

Besides the processes discussed earlier, introverts can add a second layer with “Yes, with stipulations.”

“Yes, with stipulations” may be a tactic one uses when a request has been made with little time for consideration.

An example might be a request to pick up garments from the cleaners.

A “Yes, with stipulations” response might be, “I’ll pick them up if I have the time, because I have a short lunch break.”

The power of “Yes, with stipulations” allows you to curry favor if you grant the request, because the person now has to reciprocate if asked in the future for a similar courtesy.

It is essential to act strategically and within your self-interest when requests are made as means of gaining leverage.

Finally, you can use attorneys to do the heavy lifting for delivering a “no.”

“Passing the buck” can position you as a power broker based on the notion that people respect the ones who have gatekeepers and handlers that serve as go-betweens.

Allowing other people to play the bad guy allows you to maintain a positive image.

Many people are emotional and take your self-empowerment as a sign of rejection.

Fortunately, the nature of introversion lends itself to people not requesting favors because your circle of friends and associates is small.

Because extroverts attract diverse personality types, it is almost impossible for them not to attract individuals with codependent, manipulative, or even opportunistic personalities.

However, social pariahs don’t care who they victimize. Consequently, introverts have to be vigilant and on guard for the machinations of manipulators.  

It is critically important that introverts adopt a personal constitution that “Enlightened self-interest” is a positive concept to embrace. In other words, mutually beneficial alliances are admirable when all parties flourish.

However, your self-interest should never be at the behest of social collectivism.

This aligns with the power of “no.”

Richard Dawkins, author of The Selfish Gene said, “Any altruistic system is inherently unstable, because it is open to abuse by selfish individuals, ready to exploit it.”

Saying “no” is not only a personal announcement to an individual, but a proclamation of freedom to the world.

To do anything contrary to your self-empowerment is paid through the wages of degradation and devaluation.

Don’t let that be you.

— Roman Kowalski

Related: How Introverts Can Become Superior Risk Takers

References

Hayes, A. (2020, Aug. 21). Opportunity cost. Investopedia. Retrieved from: https://www.investopedia.com/terms/o/opportunitycost.asp.

McCullough, S. (2019, Jan. 4). The exhausted introvert’s guide to saying no. Introvert, Dear. Retrieved from: https://introvertdear.com/news/introvert-guide-saying-no.

Ni. P. (2017, Jul. 16). 7 ways to say “no” if you’re introverted or shy. Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201707/7-ways-say-no-if-youre-introverted-or-shy.

Stobierski, T. (2019, Sept. 5). How to do a cost-benefit analysis & why it’s important. Harvard Business School Online. Retrieved from: https://online.hbs.edu/blog/post/cost-benefit-analysis.

The Selfish Gene Quotes (n.d.). Goodreads. Retrieved from: https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/1746717-the-selfish-gene.

Related Posts